1. “You can totally wear that dress again!” But after seeing 14 other women wear it at the same time, I’d actually rather burn it.
2. “You don’t want to upstage the bride.” Will deviating from the gold jewelry, nude pump, and pink manicure dress code really detract from the bright white bundle of tulle standing on the alter? Will it?!
3. “It’s her special day.” Technically, the bride’s wedding day also overlaps with 24 hours of my life. Another thing? My special friend is getting married (!!!). So it’s a special day for me too.
4. “You’ll totally be next!” Did you get that impression from the nonexistent engagement ring on my finger? (Or is there a hot single groomsman I don’t know about? Can you please introduce?)
5. “I can’t believe the bride made you do [any favor or request].” The bride is one of my all-time best friends, and I would have dropped anything for her even before she got engaged. She didn’t “make” me do anything. She’s worth every second of lost sleep — and every cent.
6. “No one is going to be looking at you up there, anyway.” I realize I’m not wearing white, but I didn’t spend all day getting ready for my health and I still want to look my best.
7. “I didn’t realize you were so close to the bride!” Thank you for keeping tabs on my friendships — and making me feel like the bride kept our special bond under wraps for some malicious reason. Can you remind me to ask her if she recruited me for her wedding party because there were too many groomsman?
8. “Why aren’t you the maid of honor?” Clearly there’s someone who the bride values more than me. Now that you’ve pointed that out, I can go back to playing sad songs on my second fiddle.
9. “Are you ready for your speech?” The truth is, I have pre-wedding jitters that rival those of the bride. Admitting it makes me feel like the world’s most selfish bridesmaid — and even more nervous.
10. “Your speech was so much better than the other bridesmaids’!” Just because I nailed it (Yay!) doesn’t mean I’m an awful human being who wants other bridesmaids to fail terribly. That would make it less special for the bride and defeat the whole purpose of toasting her new marriage.
11. “You don’t need to get the bride a gift — you’ve already done so much!” The not-so-funny thing about weddings? They defy math: Engagement gift + bridal shower + bridal shower gift + bachelorette party ≠ wedding gift.